How To Spot A Green Preener
Green Preeners are those who assume a morally superior position in regard to the environment but whose science is at best inept and whose causes usually backfire. Below listed are some of the ways in which you can identify Green Preeners in order to get them some professional help before they really hurt themselves. Or you.
A Green Preener:
1. Uses Vegetable Wash to brush their teeth.
2. Displays a bumper sticker which says I Brake For Trees made out of paper made from trees, acrylic made from petro-chemicals, printed in UV resistant paint made from dyes extracted from trees and pasted on to the car with a glue rich in Volatile Organic Compounds (VOCs).
3. Sniffs at people choosing paper bags in the supermarket while stuffing their organic eggplants into canvas bags made by sweat shop child labor in third world countries which as a matter of policy and long standing tradition, obliterate forests.
4. Buys “Fair Trade” coffee whose cost premium goes into the pockets of Central American dictators so that they can buy bigger yachts.
5. Insists that PETA executing 90% of the animals which pass into its hands is a FOX News canard. That the real number is lower, maybe 80%.
6. Minimizes their “Carbon Footprint” by buying CFLs light bulbs which expand the Carbon Foot print of the manufacturer more than they’re shrinking theirs. (Not to mention paying 15 times as much.)
7. Celebrates Tim Treadwell’s birthday.
8. Puts a DON’T FRACK NEW YORK sign in their front yard while insisting we get cheap gas from Texas.
9. Insists that their spouse not discuss what “natural fertilizers” mean when serving organic only family meals to their children.
10. Using only natural remedies (i.e. olive oil based mixtures) to treat the head lice their child contracted at school instead of the physician prescribed malathion until that is the lice jump onto their own head.
11. Takes deep offense when the TV weatherman opens by saying “okay for you conspiracy theorists out there, here’s how the climate is going to change tomorrow.”
12. Flies the U.N. flag on Earth Day but gets confused and runs it up upside down.
13. Spreads the rumor that Timothy Treadwell was killed by the CIA, or maybe the NRA. Or commenting “at least he was a friend to animals” when substituting the word “meal” for “friend” would be way more accurate.
14. Believes the statistics of the International Shark Institute in Florida.
15. Replaces old toilets with Super-LO-Flos then hires an undocumented maid to clean the icky things.
16. Is heard saying “I think of myself as a healer.”